Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
それは草
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
nyc:
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.