Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
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I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
it be like that
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!