First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
#inspiration #foodforthought
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…