[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Geez man, take it easy.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.