“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it