Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”