being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
When I laugh on my period
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore