My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.