My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Left at a local drug store…
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?