[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
You Might Also Like
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…