I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.