A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.