my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
This dude got his own movie?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.