millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
This is my brand.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Thursday Thought.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.