me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
This made me chuckle cuz mood