So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The Onion called it…again.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty