Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.