Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”