Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale