I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Hey! This isn’t my car!
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
B
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him