The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
he chose this
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.