me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.