Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.