Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
WHO DID THIS?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.