Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Am I having a stroke?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.