Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.