Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.