Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”