I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”