A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*