I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
this is literally a CIA plant
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*