[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
#TopTip
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ