Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”