Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Velcrow
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”