*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
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I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
3% human
97% stress
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*