I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”