Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you