*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
You Might Also Like
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
wow he looks just like him
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”