For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Oh thanks BBC.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Am I having a stroke?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”