We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.