Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
this post was so formative to me
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I told my vodka about you.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
That’s a good costume, I hope.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no