April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
This kid is a star!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek