Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
life finds a way
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?