If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
What the hell happened here.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo