Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
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*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.