I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?