[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.