I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Gods work.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Did a trash talking tree write this?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My birth announcement for our third baby
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.