so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West