Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
plant them where lol
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.